On my last trip to WDW in June, my buddy Hackett and I went to Magic Kingdom with some CM friends for evening EMHs (no, we weren’t staying at a resort hotel). I think MK was open until 1AM that evening, so we didn’t even get there until 5PM or so. After two hours of commando touring and behind-the-scenes rampaging, we’d worked up quite an appetite.

As I mentioned in my Stormalong Bay post, Hackett is nearly destitute, and consequently literally didn’t have a dime for food. Watching Hackett’s sad, skinny face, I knew that he needed to feel like he could survive in this cold, hard world all on his own, without any help from me or our CM friends. Hackett needed a boost, both physically and psychologically. He needed to get food, on his own, and it had to be good food, too.

“Hackett,” I said, “Just give some guy a BJ for $15. Then you’ll get a meal AND $15! HAHAHAHA!!!”

I’m an awesome friend.

“Fuck off, Kinsey, I’m hungry,” replied a scowling Hackett. “Gimme some money.”

“No way, you turd.”

“Kinsey, give me some goddamned money! I’ve got hypoglycemia and I need to eat or I’ll pass out!”

“NO!” I shouted. Birds scattered. Mothers scowled. Hackett almost cried.

But then he looked up and saw where we were, and it was like a ray of light shined on him and the angels started singing into his skinny little ears. A look of pure bliss spread across his face as he stared at the rickety sign: Pecos Bills. The mecca of Magic Kingdom dining for cheapskates like me and Hackett. Home of the most excellent TOPPINGS BAR!!! Free sauteed mushrooms, grilled onions, cheese sauce, shredded cheese, tomatoes, lettuce, salsa, BBQ sauce…. Hell yeah.

Pecos Bills, home of the infamous Toppings Bar

Hackett looked at me and grinned. I grinned back. We ran inside, knowing soon our bellies would be full.

Shredded Cheese!!!

Now, look, I’m not a total asshole. I fully intended to buy Hackett some food to supplement his Toppings Bar excursion. I mean, you really do need a “base” for your toppings. You can’t just load that shit onto a plate like a hobo taco salad. Well, I mean you can, but seriously, where’s the starch? You need a starch group in your meal or else you’ll never really feel satiated.

“Hackett,” I said, “You want me to get you some fries?”

“Fuck off, Kinsey,” he replied, his eyes locked on something in the distance. “I got this one.”

“You’re a strange dude,” I said, shaking my head as I walked up to the register. I ordered some fries for $2.50, a cup of water (free), and a plate “to dump my fries on”, as I told the lady at the counter.

$2.66 is the price of a full belly at Pecos Bills

$2.66 poorer, I scattered the fries over the plate and went to the Toppings Bar to load up on sweet, sweet toppings. On go the mushrooms, on go the onions, then the BBQ sauce, then the shredded cheese, and finally (this is the smart bit), I pour a bit of melted cheese over the top to melt the higher-quality shredded cheese underneath. And bravo, a meal fit for a king. A really poor, cheap king. Honestly, it was so filling that I could only finish half of mine. I gave the other half to my CM friend, which he readily accepted, because all CMs are poor.

A meal fit for a king. A really poor, cheap king.

When I finally lifted my face from my plate, I realized I hadn’t even looked at what Hackett had concocted for himself. And what I saw was simply brilliant: he had taken the little bags of crackers they put out for chili and clam chowder, and used those as the base for his toppings!

“Hackett, you’re such a badass. I can’t believe I never thought of that! Now I feel dumb for spending $2.66 on fries.”

“I may be poor, Kinsey, but I’m a helluva a lot smarter and craftier than you are,” said Hackett with a steely gaze. “Or at least that’s what your mom says when I’m banging her.”

The rest of the table exploded in laughter. I gave Hackett a golf clap and he smiled, stomach full, and full of himself.

Hackett: The Navy Seal of hobo WDW dining.

Now that the weather is cooling down, I thought I’d reminisce about one of my recent Disney summer adventures. It was June, and the weather was extraordinarily hot, like over 100-degrees. My friend Hackett and I were reluctant to set foot in the parks during the daytime, because it was nearly unbearable being outside for any length of time.

“Let’s go to a water park!” I suggested

“Nah, I don’t want to pay all that money for a water park when we have a perfectly good pool at our community center,” replied Hackett, a Florida native who has worked at (and been fired from) both WDW and Universal.

“But that pool is boring,” I shot back. “We’re going to a water park, dammit!”

“I’m poor!” yelled Hackett.

“Never underestimate Leonard Kinsey,” I said as I whipped a manila envelope out of my backpack. Hackett gasped, knowing that inside was something awesome.

And he was right.

Inside that envelope was a rainbow of Tyvek wristbands I’d purchased weeks earlier from eBay. $11 shipped for 200 wristbands, 10 of each of 20 different colors.

A Rainbow of Tyvek Wristbands

“We’re going to Stormalong Bay!” I exclaimed.

Hackett cheered.

“You’re driving,” I said. “Because I’m getting blasted at the pool bar.”

We jumped in the car, turned the AC to “High” and drove over to The Beach Club, 1/2 home to Stormalong Bay (along with The Yacht Club). Stormalong Bay, for those who don’t know, is easily the best pool area of any resort at WDW. It has a lazy river, a sandy bottom, multiple jacuzzis, a bar, and an awesome waterslide that goes down the mast of a wrecked ship.

However, Stormalong Bay is SO awesome that they can’t allow pool hopping, unlike the other resort pools, otherwise it would be massively overcrowded. So only guests staying at The Yacht and Beach Club can access the pool. Access is granted by showing your room key, at which point you’re given a colored Tyvek wristband which allows you re-entry all day. The color of the wristband changes daily.

So, we parked for free at The Beach Club by telling the guard that we were there for “The Kitchen Sink” (the huge sundae served at Beaches and Cream), and slowly walked to Stormalong Bay. I told Hackett to be on the lookout for people wearing wristbands. Halfway there, he spotted someone wearing a bright blue one. I dove into my manila envelope, found that color in my pile of wristbands, pulled off two, slapped them on our wrists, and walked the rest of the way to Stormalong Bay. Hackett and I flashed our wrists at the back entrance (near the gym), grabbed towels, and bam, we were in for a day of fun in the sun!

Hackett and Kinsey - Sexy Beasts!

Of course, I then proceeded to get drunk, flirted mercilessly with one of the lifeguards (the one who does the trivia at the top of the slide and then throws water at kids when they fuck up the answer), and got her number. Rico. Suave.

The First of Many Tropical Drinks

We then decided to continue the debauchery with a Monorail Bar Crawl. On the way back to Epcot I started doing gymnastics in the empty Monorail car.

Drunk Kinsey Attempts Acrobatic Feats

For whatever reason I had more drinks in World Showcase on the way back to the car, and, as many of my stories end, I can’t really remember the rest of the evening. But I do know that the day at the pool was awesome, and Hackett assures me I didn’t make an ass out of myself that evening and was quite entertaining.

I do wish he hadn’t drawn a penis on my cheek while I was passed out, though. Fucking Hackett.